Updates and late night feelings

I didn’t update what happened when I went back to my college to clear out my dorm room because my parents did not permit me to return for the spring semester. I won’t get into it now because I have other thoughts on my mind. Short version is I had one last face to face talk about my assault with my perpetrator. I cried a lot and I almost made him cry for the first time in front of me. It was heart wrenching and terrifying but it felt victorious to face that and unload so much of the hurt. He needed to know the true extent of his damage.

Since then I am still battling whether or not I want to report.

My 1AM thoughts were revisiting the idea of getting some kind of justice that might be more doable than a full prosecution. My assailant belongs to a frat and I have heard many disturbing instances of assaults, aggression and general ill behavior from these guys. Especially towards girls. We even have a derogatory name for their party house. Since I used to be in an ill defined non-relationship with one of its (the party house)’s main tenants, I know very well how deeply the school already dislikes this chapter. They’ve been trying to shut down, especially their party house (the location I was assaulted) for years. I thought if I said I had an assault at their house, this would be enough fuel to the fire to get their party house taken away or even the chapter temporarily disbanded. I whole heartedly believe that their chapter promotes rape culture and general chauvinism and I think they are toxic and dangerous. My psychiatrist and parents are weary of me taking any types of steps of reporting as they feel this will only open a can of worms of negative emotions for me and will only worsen the trauma. I’m also am supremely aware of how little chance I would have at getting any results from this. I didn’t take a rape kit the day after, I have no visible bruises, colleges want to save their asses, and I’d be going against a popular straight white male (I am a black female) where it would be a he-said-she-said game. I feel and worry this.

But I also worry about other girls. I know I retreat into a savior complex often into the point of ignoring my own mental well being but what I went through was truly alarming and I can’t help but feel hard pressed to stop this from happening from even a few more people. -> I have helped a couple times at parties telling guys to go away from drunk girls who were uncomfortable but too shy to be assertive enough to get them to leave them alone. -> ┬áThis is significant, but still feels lacking reach.

I’m terrified and torn apart and apprehensive and heart broken and confused crying still into 3AM…