Assuming the worst(s)

Tomorrow is going to be a really terrifying day.

My family and I are driving 6.5 hours back up to my college to clear out my dorm room.

I’ve convinced them to let me stay overnight so I could have one last night of young adult freedom and say goodbye to all my friends.

This presents many possible complications. And I have anxiety so let’s delve into literally all of them.

I feel the need to use up all of this temporary freedom to the fullest so I already know I’m going to go overboard with partying. Will probably have a nasty hangover, deal with some vomit, and it might be fun until it’s not.

Fun fact about alcohol. It is a depressant. So when you’re depressed, you inevitably will hit a point in your night when you’re no longer yelling “shots” but lamenting in the corner of how you’ve wasted your life because you’re now shockingly aware of time.

I’m also afraid my inebriated state will lead me to do something stupid. Like get into a fight or sleep with my perpetrator.

I was sexually assaulted last semester (big reason why I’m taking a leave of absence) and it’s been a couple of months but I’m still in that very precarious time when I’m processing through all of my emotions and if given an extreme situation, an emotion will feel overwhelming enough to give in to that urge.

I don’t know what I want to do with my final confrontation with this guy. Part of me wants to yell and hit him because I have all this anger and betrayal bubbling beneath my bones but part of me wants to be so shockingly calm and explain in beautiful prose just how deeply he has damaged me from this.

The latter would seem to be more rational, but it also feels like too respectful a gesture. He didn’t bother to check in with my emotions, why should I his?

I’m also worried I might sleep with him because I have no idea how to get over this fear of intimacy now. The one entirely bonkers solution I have is to face it with the person who took advantage so I can feel empowered again with any future relation (ew, hate that term) that might occur. Also amidst all my disgust with him, exists remnant feelings for him and a need to impress him, causing therefore more disgust with myself.

And finally, when I’m drunk I convince myself that I’m invincible and I can be cool enough to please others and worry for myself the consequences later. ah, don’t we all…

A simple solution to all of this of course would be to stay sober but I’ve been living at home for 6 weeks with nothing but arguing with my parents and I’m giving up a scholarship, friends, multiple leadership positions and a prominent social circle-I think I deserve a little taste of youth.

Also even when I am sober (like now) I entirely spiral and fall and shake from my emotions. My panic attacks even make me vomit.

So might as well get a good snap story out of it.

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